


Peter Nureyev and the Final Debt

by This_Witch_Writes



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Angst, Aurinko Crime Family, Episode: s03e21-22 Juno Steel and What Lies Beyond Spoilers, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Juno Steel Needs a Hug, Juno shouts at Nureyev a lot but he has it coming, Other, Peter Nureyev Needs a Hug, Temporary Character Death, Whump, mild Betrayev, speculation while I die waiting for more Junoverse content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-17 18:47:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29230239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/This_Witch_Writes/pseuds/This_Witch_Writes
Summary: Juno searches the ship for Nureyev once they've dealt with Dark Matters - but he's already gone.
Relationships: (only mentioned) - Relationship, Buddy Aurinko/Vespa Ilkay, Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel
Comments: 5
Kudos: 60





	1. The Aftermath

The truth is I’d known something was wrong for a while. Nureyev had been letting the walls down piece by piece and as exciting as that was, I was terrified. Because behind all his sharp smiles and confidence was something tight and painful. I felt like any day now he was finally going to reach it, and we’d never be the same again.

Then Dark Matters attacked the ship and he disappeared. At first that didn’t worry me, when there was trouble, Nureyev disappeared. He always came back. When we regained control of the ship I expected him to drop down from an air vent, teeth against his lip and some half executed plan of his own. Or maybe he’ll be Rex Glass again, pulling information off some downed agent’s comms. I could stand to see Rex again, for old time’s sake.

I searched the Carte Blanche for an hour. There was no sign of him. There was no sign of the Ruby 7 either. Sasha’s voice in the back of my head needles at the idea that it was Nureyev that sent the signal and I could see it on Vespa’s face but I wasn’t there yet. I kept waiting while Buddy locked Sasha in the brig. Vespa rigged the Dark Matters ship to explode. I waited. Jet piloted us out of there. I waited. I think Rita was speaking to me at some point but I just sat in the corridor and waited.

I fell asleep and dreamed of sharp teeth and empty hotel rooms. I woke with a shudder and slipped against the wall I was leaning on. This clearly wasn’t helping so I headed back to my room. It wasn’t like Nureyev wouldn’t know where to find me when he finally reappeared. My eyes were barely open as I stumbled towards my bed. So I didn’t see the note on my pillow until my cheek crunched into it. I sat bolt upright, snatching it up, holding it tight enough to scrunch the paper.  
I hesitated before reading it. I knew even then though, sitting in dark, that once I switched the light on, whatever was written here was going to shatter my heart into a hundred pieces.

_Dearest Juno,_

_You’re going to be very angry with me when you read this so for that, and for so many other things, I am sorry. By the time you read this I’ll be gone and you won’t have time to catch me. I have debts to settle, my love, and I delayed as long as I could. Let’s just say their new form of planned motivation wasn’t acceptable to me._

_They’ll betray me of course, the moment I pay them. They know who I am and the bounty on my head on Brahma is still higher than I ever really earned. Product of being turned into a bogyman. They’re going to turn me over to New Kinshasa. I’ll try to escape, I’m not giving up, and I’ll fight to live but the chances are not very high. If I spend more than a night in a New Kinshasa jail cell then I’ll certainly be executed, probably publicly. I’ve dressed up especially, just in case. Apologies love, forgive the gallows humour._

_I’m so glad I got to spend this year with you and see the stars together. It has been the best of my life. I’m just sorry it couldn’t have gone on longer. I never wanted to disappear on you._

_To steal a sentiment from a handsome detective who was once in this situation: you are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, Juno Steel. I love you._

_Your better half,_   
_Peter Nureyev_

I was wrong. It shattered in a million pieces. I knew there were tears on my cheeks but I must have cried out while reading without noticing because Rita and Buddy were at my door by the time I’d started a second look, hoping for hidden messages. I let Rita read it to Buddy before snatching it back. She already knew his name.

‘We’re going after him.’ I grabbed Buddy’s arm. ‘Tell me we’re going after him.’

‘We don’t even know where he’s gone darling.’ The captain kept her tone even but her fingers knotted into the ends of her hair.

‘But, Captain!’ Rita spoke up, putting herself between Buddy and me. ‘We do know where Mistah Ransom might end up! Brahma!’

Rubbed my face on my sleeve I forced myself to get a grip and get to my feet. ‘She’s right, if we get to Brahma ahead of them we can plan a prison break and…’

Buddy raised her hand to stop me. ‘I’m not saying no Juno, Ransom is a member of this family, but he lied to us and stole from us and what you’re proposing might get any of us killed. From his note it doesn’t sound like that’s what he would want.’

‘Buddy!’

‘I’m not saying no, I’m saying think. And we certainly need to gather everyone before we make any decisions.’ She turned to Rita. ‘Would you ask then to meet us in the kitchen darling?’

‘Oh! Sure! Right away Captain!’

And she dashed off, throwing a panicked glance over her shoulder at me.

The meeting was… not good. Vespa and Jet were livid. For Vespa this meant ranting, waving her arms and pacing around the room like a trapped animal. I didn’t argue, just weathered her rage and accusations until Buddy finally calmed her. Jet’s anger was harder to bear. It was quiet and came across the table in shuddering waves.

‘You’re right,’ I whispered when everyone was done. ‘You’re right but I have to go after him. So I just need to be dropped off and I’ll…’

‘Mistah Steel! You don’t honestly think I’d let you…’ Rita started at the same moment that Vespa shouted ‘As if we’d let you go by yourself dumbass!’

It was Vespa’s interruption that caught my attention. Rita’s too, she looked speechless, which was hard to do. Vespa just rolled her eyes and snarled at our expressions. ‘It’s like you two don’t listen to a word Buddy says sometimes. If we’re doing this stupid prison break, we’re doing right, and as a family. Now shut up and let Buddy think of a plan dumbass.’

‘Jet darling could change our course for New K…’

Jet’s comm beeped unexpectedly and cut Buddy off. Without a word, Jet stood and walked towards the airlock. The rest of us followed him. Jet wasn’t exactly an impulsive guy so we didn’t bother slowing him down with questions.

I don’t know what I exacted to see when he opened the airlock but it wasn’t the Ruby 7. My heart seemed to be trying to climb out of my throat but Nureyev wasn’t inside. The car was empty.

Not entirely empty. Jet pulled open the driver’s side door and there was a slip of paper waiting on the seat. I’d spent enough time staring at that handwriting today to recognise it from a distance. The big guy read it quickly then handed it to Buddy.

‘Dear Jet, apologies for borrowing the Ruby but I really wanted to take her out one last time,’ Buddy read aloud with half a laugh in her voice. ‘If she’s got back to you without me then my favourite of my escape plans has already failed, which is inconvenient because it’s also the one most likely to work. I do not need to ask you to take care of the Ruby 7 for me because you would of course have done so regardless. It was an honour to have stolen her at all. You, Captain Aurinko and Vespa, yes even Vespa, have been a source of inspiration to me over the years and I apologise that I never made that clear when I had the opportunity. Old habits. What I will ask of you and the other’s, in exchange for the second return of the Ruby is just one thing, please take care of Juno. The detective is likely to attempt sometime noble on my behalf. Do try to see that he doesn’t? Consider it my dying wish if that lends the request more weight. In particular the wonderful Rita may have some advice to help. My very fondest regards, Peter ~~Ransom~~ Nureyev (not much point in secrets now I suppose).’

The crew stood around the airlock in stunned silence for a moment before everyone turned to look at me. I was confused as to what they expected me to say until I tasted salt.

Oh. I was crying again. When had that started?

‘We’re not going to listen to him are we?’ Was all I could manage.

‘No,’ Jet spoke forcefully, for the first time in what seemed like hours. ‘We are not. If we rescue Rans…Peter then this will not have been his last request.’

Buddy patted Jet’s arm and nodded. Her one good eye looking half as watery as mine. Rita found her way to tuck up under arm and nearly squeeze me in half.

‘Alright then,’ Buddy clapped her hands together. ‘Here’s what we’re going to do…’

The next morning I was in a badly lit corridor and running. Blood pounded in my ears so loud as I ran that I nearly didn’t hear comms and Buddy’s voice coming from it.

‘Juno…’

‘I can make it.’

‘Darling…’ her tone was so soft and soothing. I didn’t want to hear whatever she was planning to sooth me from.

‘I can make it!’

The corridor came to a sharp turn. I should have slowed, checked if the coast was clear, but Nureyev’s execution was scheduled for an hour from now and there just wasn’t time.

I made it. I saw the cell number in double as I heaved short breaths. All I needed to do was blast the lock and…  
Except I didn’t have to. The cell door was open.

‘No, no, no, no, no…’

‘Juno? What’s happening?’

I crashed through the door anyway. As if Nureyev would just be sitting there in an unlocked cage. I looked under the bed. I was out of my mind.

‘He’s not here. Buddy, he’s not here. What do I do next? Where do I go?’

‘Juno…’

‘What next Buddy?!’

‘Juno, darling, you need to get out of there. Meet Vespa at the extraction point near the infirmary. You get that my love?’ Buddy obviously patched her wife into the call.

‘Yeah…’ Vespa sounded uncharacteristically sombre. ‘Steel…you gotta get here okay.’

‘I’m not leaving without him. Rita! Can you see him on security cameras anywhere?’

‘No boss! They’ve got the whole show set up but he’s not anywhere near there.’

‘Well he might have escape! Keep looking!’

‘Steel…I don’t wanna this over the comms…’ Vespa snapped but with none of her usual venom. ‘Just get down here.’

‘Do what?’

‘Juno,’ Vespa used my first name. She never does that. ‘He’s gone Juno. I’m looking at the records right here.’

‘No! Rita says they haven’t even started the execution yet!’

‘The doctors think it was poison, they’re not sure if it some an attack or he took it him…’

‘No. He would never! He was going to escape.’ I was sitting on the floor of the cell now. Buddy and Rita were urging me to get up. Get to Vespa. ‘He always escapes.’ _He always escapes._

I didn’t hear anything they said to my until Buddy’s urgent voice cut through with ‘…the body!’

‘What?’ I spluttered.

‘Juno you have to meet Vespa at the morgue right now if you want a chance to take the body. I understand if you can’t, I don’t know if you and Pete ever discussed what he’d want if…’

‘No.’ The thought of a universe with Peter Nureyev had always been too ridiculous for me to consider and Nureyev probably would have laughed if I’d ever asked. I remembered his eyes when he asked me where I wanted to die, telling me to dream bigger. ‘A warm ditch.’

‘What?’ Vespa sounded out of breath.

I hadn’t meant to say that out loud. ‘Never mind. Yes, I need…I can’t leave him here. Not here. He never wanted to be here again.’

I ran. I kept playing that conversation over in my head. It had been with Rex Glass not Nureyev, not really, that early in the day he was still mostly playacting but for just a second, in hindsight, Nureyev’s dark wit came through. Had he said where he wanted to die? Couldn’t remember. Seemed like we only ever talked about me. There were still so many things I hadn’t asked him.

Buddy was talking to Jet on the comms.

‘I am already near the morgue’s exit, Buddy.’

‘How did you…?’

‘Perhaps that is a conversation for later.’

Vespa met me at the door to the morgue. Her eyes kept focusing distractedly on the empty corridor behind me and I wondered what she saw.

‘You don’t have to come in here Steel,’ she stayed between me and the door. ‘I can find him and wheel the trolley out.’

‘No,’ it came out of my throat strangled and hoarse. ‘I need to…’

She didn’t argue.

I don’t think I describe what finding the shelf was like, even now. I know I’ll hear the sound of Vespa opening that body-bag in my nightmares for the rest of my life. My knees gave out as soon as I saw his face. Vespa didn’t try to comfort me or haul back to my feet. She and Buddy knew how this felt and she knew nothing she could say would help.

Eventually I got up, able to breath again. The strangest thing was how even looking at him, pale and still, I didn’t really believe it.

‘He doesn’t look dead,’ I said without thinking through what Vespa’s reaction might be.

The look she shoots me isn’t concerned or pitying though, it’s more like relief.

‘Yeah,’ she mutters. ‘Look Steel we gotta move. I can find a gurney or something or…’

‘No,’ those few steps forward aged me. ‘I’ll take him.’

Nureyev was always heavier than he looked. A fact that when I made the mistake of joking about it once, he’d sulked for days. But for how skinny he is, he’s still got over six feet of gymnast muscle. I am focusing on this as I scoop him up into my arms to avoid going completely catatonic. Thankfully he hasn’t gone complete cold or stiff yet. I could easily pretend he was just asleep against as we rushed out to where Jet was waiting with the Ruby 7 running. By then alarms were blaring and people were firing at us but I couldn’t afford to think about any of that, couldn’t think about who – what – I had in my arms, or the tightness in my chest; I just had to get to that car. I couldn’t think about whether I should stop running, turn and find a friendly laser bolt from the guards to deal with all my problems at once, I kept running.

Vespa hopped in front while I slid across the backseat, dragging Nureyev with me. Once we were moving, safe, and I could breathe again I made the mistake of looking down at the motionless face in my lap and a dry sob choked me. I pulled him to chest and closed my eye.


	2. The Debris

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They make it back to the ship. There is a lot of yelling.

Thankfully no one spoke to me until we were already back on the ship. Buddy met us at the car. Vespa dashed from her seat and into her wife’s arms, clinging desperately. She didn’t like Nureyev enough for it to be grief so maybe I just reminded her of thinking she’d lost Buddy. Or maybe grief was contagious.

Jet leaned into the back to gently take Nureyev from me. I resisted letting go for a second but knew there was no dignified way for me to get out of this car while still holding him.

As I followed the Ruby 7 beeped quietly and Jet asked. ‘Where should I take him?’

‘Sickbay,’ Vespa answered for me, pulling her face out of Buddy’s hair.

A surprised and bitter laugh choked its way up me throat and everyone flinched – even me. ‘What do you think you’re to do Ilkay? Fix him?’

It didn’t even sound like my voice. I knew whose voice it sounded like but I didn’t need to think about her right now. This time someone I loved died I couldn’t blame her at all.

‘It’s just the best place given…’ Vespa didn’t take the bait for once, determined not to fight with me. ‘Besides don’t you want to know…what happened?’ The last bit came out muffled and cautious.

‘He wouldn’t and didn’t do this to himself,’ I snarled, getting to my feet. ‘He wouldn’t do that!’ _To me_ was the bit of that sentence left out. _He wouldn’t do that to me._ Not with everything he knows about my worst days.

Before Vespa could snap anything back at me, the Ruby 7 chirped more urgently for attention. I remembered what had happened the last time I’d missed a warning from Ruby, seconds before getting a face full of Martian desert, so I ducked back into the car to see what was wrong.

‘Vespa?’

‘Yeah Steel?’

‘Get him to sickbay! And tell me what the hell is phenobarbital?’

* * *

Once she knew what was going on it was laughably easy for Vespa to revive Nureyev. I knew I was crying again but at least I was doing it quietly and Vespa didn’t even try to throw me out of the infirmary. Nureyev came to for a few seconds and squeezed my hand before passing out again. After a few hours Vespa was satisfied the bizarre cocktail of drugs he’d taken to mimic death was out of his system but he’d have to stay here for safety for a few days. I nodded vaguely because Nureyev was starting to stir again.

‘I’ll be in the kitchen, if you need me,’ Vespa grunted and beat a retreat, closing the door behind her.

I sat by his beside, holding his hand, as Nureyev slowly opened dark eyes and blinked at me. Trying for a wry smile he reached out.

‘Juno, love, why are you crying?’

I practically heard myself snap. I dropped his hand, kicked the chair away and pressed my back up against the opposite wall.

‘Juno?’ His voice was hoarse and uncertain but I could see he was starting to try and get up and follow me.

‘No. Stay there.’ It came out rougher than I’d hoped. ‘Just, damn it Nureyev, stay in the bed.’

He stopped. ‘You’re angry. That’s fair.’

That ugly laugh from early came back and I was delighted to see it seemed to have the same effect on Nureyev as the rest of us.

‘I’m so glad you think it’s fair that I’m angry. Otherwise this would have been very awkward.’ I looked around for something to throw or break and crossed my arms instead. ‘You left.

‘I thought…’

‘Shut up, I know what you thought, but you just left. What was that, delayed pay back?’

‘Juno! I would nev…’

‘I thought you were dead!’ I wasn’t following the thread of my own argument well. ‘I took what I thought was your dead body, from a morgue.’

‘That wasn’t part of the plan, Juno, I’m so sorry.’

‘The morgue wasn’t, but me thinking you’d died in a New Kinshasa jail cell, that was fine?’

‘Honestly I thought it would take longer for you to get there and you might not hear the news until after the Ruby 7 told you that I was still alive.’

‘You had another way out?’

‘A porter I bribed yes.’

‘You still knew I’d probably think you were dead or dying, your letter was practically a will.’

‘They would’ve killed you Juno.’

‘We could’ve done something together! You could have talked to me!’

Something twisted a little in Nureyev’s face, frustration? Regret? Pain? He was trying to sit up again, get to me, so I closed the distance and pushed him down by the shoulder.

‘If you get up right now, Vespa will kill us both.’

‘Juno,’ Nureyev whispered my name, soft and reverent and like how a few hours ago I thought I’d never hear again, bringing the tears back, which only pissed me off more. ‘If I had told you my plan, which I knew had a high chance I wouldn’t survive it, would you have let me do it?’

‘Of course not! Would you let me do something that reckless?’

‘Of course not,’ he echoed. ‘But if you recall, you once didn’t give me the option either.’

That stung. I let go of him and backed up a bit. I hated feeling angry and touching him at the same time. I didn’t want the two feelings linked in my mind ever.

‘So it is pay back then? Two years later for the Martian bomb thing?’

Nureyev sighed. ‘No, I didn’t mean that, only that…’

‘Because it’s not the same,’ I snapped over his explanation. ‘If that’s the comparison you think will make me not angry right now, you really need to wake up and read this room, Nureyev. I made a spur of the moment decision to trick you to try and save your life when I thought there was no other option, while I was literally suicidal, and even then…’ I took a deep breath. The walls of the ship were not thick and I was shouting. ‘Even though you know all that. We’ve talked about this. Where I was at then, how much it hurt you to be on the wrong side of that door, me walking into the desert…’ Nureyev flinched a little at that reminder. ‘You still thought it was okay for me to think you killed yourself?’

He hissed in a sharp breath and this time successfully sat up. ‘Juno…I…I didn’t…’ words failing Peter Nureyev. There’s something you don’t see every day.

‘And if I’d decided that I couldn’t go on without you, before you made it back. Would we play out all of Romeo and Juliet or is this dramatic enough for you?!’

‘That isn’t funny, Juno,’ Nureyev winced. ‘You wouldn’t…’

‘No it really isn’t,’ I interrupted again. ‘And you’re right, I wouldn’t, not anymore. I’m not claiming I’m not past that kind of self-destruction and besides I could never do that to Rita and the others. But this time yesterday I would have said you’d never do that to me either.’

‘I didn’t really…’ I didn’t have to interrupt him this time, he gave up on the rationalisation halfway through. His face crumpled in on itself a little, almost unrecognisable without any of his usual confidence. ‘This isn’t…I’m so sorry, love.’

I managed to nod and walked to his bedside again, to push him back down before Vespa could burst in and gut either of us. On reflex I pushed the hair out of eyes and he closed them to press his cheek into my hand.

‘I love you,’ the words came out a little choked but I couldn’t help that. ‘I’m very, very happy you’re not dead and very, very angry at the same time. I need to…go…somewhere else…for a little while, okay?’

Nureyev’s tightened like I’d slapped him but he nodded without complaint. He squeezed my hand for a second as I pulled away but didn’t open his eyes to watch me live the room.

I called by the kitchen on my way to Rita. Vespa and Buddy were curled around each other again speaking in low voices. The expressions on their faces told me that they’d probably heard more of that than any of us would have liked.

‘Juno, darling,’ Buddy stepped forward but thankfully came short of touching me. My skin still felt electric and stinging with fury. ‘What do you need?’

‘Going to go to Rita now,’ I grunted back. ‘Vespa?’

‘Yeah Steel?’

‘He’s pale, doesn’t look good but is trying to pretend it’s fine, can you?’

‘I’m on it. If that idiot doesn’t rest with his IV fluids I’ll kill…’ she stopped herself. ‘I’ll yell personally hurtful things at him in an aggressive voice, alright?!’

That actually get half a smile from me which seems to have been the point. I decided to trust her with it and left.

* * *

Rita was waiting for me like I knew she would be. She hadn’t been at the car earlier but I hadn’t wanted her to be. I never wanted Rita to see the bodies. She dealt with enough putting me back together afterwards.

There she was, sitting on the edge of the bed with her arms open, ready for me to fall into them.

‘It’s okay Mistah Steel,’ she stroked the top of my head. ‘You can feel whatever you want.’

At some point I fell asleep on Rita’s floor. She covered me in a blanket but wasn’t there when I woke up. I knew that she had probably just to breakfast but the tightness in my chest pushed me to get up right away and go to find her. Panic got a little more intense when I couldn’t find her in the kitchen or the common room or the bathroom until finally I heard her clear, carrying voice coming down the corridor. From in the sickbay.

‘…an I gotta say, Mistah Ransom, it’s not that I don’t sympathise with your situation but you made me a promise. I told you what I’d do if you ever hurt Mistah Steel. I think I was pretty clear.’

‘You’re absolutely right, Rita. I have nothing to defend myself with. If you want to tell the authorities I’m still alive I would accept your judgement.’

‘That’s very noble Mistah Ransom but I don’t think…’

I couldn’t take it anymore and threw the door open. The identical guilty looks they shared as they saw me would have made me laugh on another day.

‘Seriously.’ I growled. ‘Seriously?’

‘Mistah Steel…

‘Juno….

‘Nope!’ I held the door open. ‘Rita, I need a minute with Mister Ransom, please. I’ll talk to you later about what is an acceptable level of shovel talk.’

‘Yes, boss, sorry Mistah Steel.’ And Rita scuttled out of the room.

‘Juno…’

‘Nope!’ Repetition was apparently the name of the game right now. I slammed the door shut. ‘At what point yesterday, out of curiosity, did I give you the impression that I wanted more self-sacrificing bullshit from you?’

‘Taking responsibility for my actions is not self-sacrificing, Juno,’ Nureyev sighed. ‘I had a conversation with Rita weeks ago regarding the consequences for hurting you…’

‘God shut up!’ I tossed myself into the chair beside his bed. ‘Do you think I’m a child? That I need to be coddled?’

‘No I…’

‘Then when you’ve hurt me enough to warrant self-immolation trust me I’ll let you know!’

He opened his mouth, some new argument inches from his lips, but it stopped there and he lapsed into silence. We sat there like that for a while.

‘I knew,’ eventually I was able to admit it. ‘I knew you had something you were hiding from me. Knew there was something coming for you that frightened you. I told myself I wasn’t asking about it because I trusted you, respected your privacy, trusted you’d tell me when you were ready. Truth is I was just as scared of pushing you for answers as I was to look you up the first time you gave me your name.’

Nureyev’s long thin fingers knotted around each other and he stared down at them as if they belong to someone else. I wondered if I was ready to reach out for them and decided I wasn’t yet. It helped that at least he’d decided to stop arguing.

‘It wasn’t exactly the same. It wasn’t that I thought you were secretly a monster like when I didn’t know you at all but that didn’t mean you hadn’t done something awful that had come back to haunt you. Something you thought would mean I wouldn’t love you anymore or couldn’t trust you anymore. I was scared either way. Either there was something that awful you’d managed to hide and it broke _us_ , what we have and I lost _this._ Or it was something awful and I could forgive you, because I just love you that much, and it changed how I thought about myself. Or maybe it was neither. Maybe it was way less dramatic and you just didn’t trust me. I didn’t want any of those answers.’

There were tears falling on Nureyev’s hands now.

‘Because…I didn’t want any of those answers because none of that felt like us. And I just didn’t want to lose you. I should have known that answer was way less cinematic and far more _you._ Peter Nureyev works alone, has done for over twenty years, and he’s responsible for every little detail. I used to think I was alone too but that was just posturing, I had Benten, Mick, Sasha while it lasted, and for all that time you were alone, I had Rita. I only pretended to be alone. You really were. Everything I learned last year, about surviving, about how my actions affected the people who cared about me. I thought you already knew all that. Because you’re smarter than me. You’ve always been smarter than me Nureyev – smarter than this…’

I ran out words so instead I reached out and touch his hand. He folded against me like a crashed car and shook, face pressed in my shoulder. I hated how quietly he’d learned to cry.

‘Of all the answers to why you wouldn’t ask any of us for help, I didn’t imagine it was just that you had never even consider it as an option. When we first met, it seemed like you were always in control, in a good way. It threw me because I so…wasn’t. And all this year together I was so grateful you took me back, so happy to have you to myself that I never really questioned why you didn’t open up to the crew even a little. Even when it was clear we could trust them. I just cared how you were with me. That was stupid and selfish. You can’t belong all to one person.’

‘I do,’ Nureyev muttered hoarsely into my collarbone.

‘No, dammit, you don’t,’ I pushed him back so I could look at him. Those clear brown eyes more bloodshot than I’d ever seen them. Which considering all we’d been through together that was really saying something. ‘Not even to me, Nureyev. You deserve to have more people in your life. A support network. A family. To know you can ask for help and it’s given – that simple.’

The flinch at the word ‘family’ was unmistakable. He seemed to notice that he’d done it and looked annoyed at the admission.

In the end he turned those eyes back on me. ‘Why are you saying all this? I thought you were angry with me? I wouldn’t blame you if you hated me.’

‘Nope!’ I said again and pinched him on the arm.

‘Ow?’ Nureyev seemed more confused than hurt.

‘I am angry and so you don’t get to spiral into self-pity right now, okay?’ For the first time since he woke up I let a little of the relieved smile I’d held back before creep across my face. Nureyev mirrored it back to me and put a hand against my cheek.

‘God Juno, last night…’ he shuddered. ‘I heard what you were saying…I really thought maybe I’d gone too far this time…’

‘You did,’ I sighed. ‘This wasn’t flirty steal my keys and disappear or surprising me with some ridiculous alias at the last second, this… I’m going to need a minute with it. And we have a lot to talk about when you’re better but… a fight doesn’t mean I’m going to leave you. It’s not the end of everything just because you screwed up.’ He didn’t look like he knew what to say and that didn’t surprise me. We had entered new territory for both of us and I was still reeling from learning that I was the one better prepared to be there.

After a few more minutes silence I thought of a question that had seemed too trivial in all the drama last night. ‘How did they know about us?’

Nureyev frowned. ‘What?’

‘You said they threatened me, but how did they know to threaten me specifically?’

Understanding dawned on Nureyev’s face. ‘Oh! No, love, they didn’t. I mean, they did threaten you but only in so far as they threatened the whole crew, plural you as in _y’all_.’ He finished the sentence in an exaggerated accent not his whole and I laughed properly for the first time since he’d disappeared.

‘Stay here a sec,’ I pulled myself out of his arms reluctantly and Nureyev made a small bereft noise. ‘It’s important I promise.’

He frowned after me but didn’t bother asking as I went and rounded up the rest of the crew. They were equally confused but probably not as terrified as Nureyev as we all squashed into the sickbay. I climbed onto the bed beside my idiot boyfriend so Buddy could have the chair. I wondered if they could tell how nervous he was or if none them had got the chance to figure out his tiny tells yet. A glance at Buddy made me think she had started to at least.

‘Alright, babe, tell them what you just told me.’

‘Ah…’ Nureyev’s cheeks coloured just a little and he looked at me like I’d just pushed him on a landmine. ‘You mean about the threats or…?’ I nodded. ‘Ah. Well, I didn’t want to make it seem as though I was attempting to excuse my behaviour or…’

‘Oh get on with it Nureyev, Ransom, whoever, we don’t have all day.’ Vespa was predictable but most of the actual venom was left out of her bark.

‘Of course, apologies,’ Nureyev swallowed, sweating a little at the sound of her using his name, even now that he knew it was out. ‘My creditors, from a job gone very wrong and a story for some other time, began to suspect my…allegiances…rested more with the Carte Blanche than with them just before the first Dark Matters attack. While we were stranded they made the first of their threats against the crew. Nothing any of you would have noticed but I was late checking in and then…I found a print out of a news story, a fake one, describing in some detail the tragic deaths of the crew of the Carte Blanche. It had been left inside one of my coat pockets while I slept. A few similar messages were sent in the lead up to retrieving the Cure Mother. I’ll admit I stopped sleeping as often to try and catch how they were managing it. My fatigue probably led to that stupid mistake with schematics, Jet I am very…’

‘I do not require apologies for unintentional errors, however if it will put you at ease, I accept.’ The Big Guy was staring Nureyev down like he was the world’s most complex jigsaw puzzle.

‘Thank you,’ Nureyev wasn’t doing as good a job as usual keeping his voice even. ‘Well while I didn’t know how they were getting access to the ship or following us I couldn’t risk telling anyone what was happening. They might have had me under constant surveillance. That’s why I used the distraction of Dark Matters attacking again…’ he trailed off, looking down at those long fingers still knotting together anxiously. ‘Apologies again for all the trouble.’

A stunned kind of silence fell over the room broken only by a few hard sniffles from a guilty-faced Rita and the hum of the engines.

‘Just to clarify darling,’ Buddy stepped up to break the tension. ‘You’re saying that you orchestrated an elaborate plan to surrender yourself and escape using an incredible risky mix of drugs, if my wife’s to be believed, which she usually is, all to avoid having an honest conversation with any of your family on the off-chance you were being watched?’

He flinched again at family. _Your family._ Did he believed it yet? Probably not.

‘It sounds quite stupid when you put it like that Captain.’ Was all Nureyev managed to choke out, still not looking up.

‘Probably because it is, Ran…uh…Nu… dammit can we decide what we’re calling you now?!’

Not able to take how small he looked anymore, I put an arm around his shoulders, prompting him to glance up, at least at me. Past my head he caught Buddy’s eye.

‘Since you all know my name is Peter Nureyev now,’ a slight wince again. ‘I see no reason not to use it among the crew though it should still be avoided in public since I’m supposed to be dead.’

‘That seems sensible, Pete,’ Buddy agreed. Nureyev’s fingers tightened around mine but he gave nothing else away. I wondered if he’d ever tell Buddy about the coincidence in that pet name. Probably not just yet. ‘Well I think we can all agree that we don’t want any encores of this week’s little performance, darling, but it looks to me that you already understand that, yes?’

Nureyev nodded.

‘Then I supposed there’s very little else to be said about it,’ Buddy got to her feet and leaned past me to pressed a kiss to Nureyev’s forehead while he briefly turned to stone. ‘I trust you’ll focus on getting better and doing better. And while you might have made the wrong decisions, Peter, it isn’t lost on any of us that they were very lonely decisions made for what you thought was our benefits. I expect to see you at family dinner by tomorrow, but for now we’ll let you rest.’

She paused for a moment before leaving to see if anyone had anything to add. Jet gave him another long stare.

‘I have only one question. Why did you reveal your name to me in your letter with the Ruby 7?’

Nureyev actually, properly blushed this time and despite the seriousness of the situation I cackled. He elbowed me lightly in the ribs and attempted a more dignified expression.

‘If my plan failed, which was a possibility, then the letters were all I’d get to say.’ Nureyev forced himself to look at Jet. ‘I truly didn’t want to die Peter Ransom.’

The implications of that, known only to me, stopped my giggling and I traced my hand up and down his back. Then I remembered something.

‘Plus he’s always been a fan, Big Guy, told me about you when we first stole the Ruby on our second date,’ I laughed again. ‘If we hadn’t been running for our lives I might have got jealous.’

Another elbow. ‘Hush now, love.’

My laughing seemed to break the rest of the tension in the room. Buddy joined in and Vespa rolled her eyes dramatically with half a smirk before they left together. Jet simply nodded with understanding and followed.

Rita waited until last tilting her head in some kind of question to Nureyev. He smiled weakly back at her and whatever they saw on each other’s faces was clearly enough because Rita ran forward, throwing her arms around both of us and talking 90 miles an hour. Once she’d detangled from the impromptu group hug, she beamed that Rita smile and scampered out. Made a real point of closing the door on her way out too.

‘So love,’ I borrowed the pet name for the occasion though I couldn’t keep a bit of teasing out of my voice. ‘Did I make my p…’

Whatever I was going to say next disappeared when I turned back to Nureyev. He’d tucked his long legs up to his chest and bit down on his lip hard enough to draw blood as he made a failing attempt to avoid crying. His shoulders shook with the effort. So heartbreakingly quiet. It wasn’t easy to hold him properly in the narrow infirmary bed but I did my best with what we had.

Eventually he calmed and gave me a pale version of his usual smile. ‘Yes, love, point very much taken I think.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had this mostly written for DAYS but couldn't figure out how to actually end the fight until this morning. 
> 
> This is all self-indulgently convenient I know but I am a Betrayev-Only-For-Good-Reasons Truther and proud. Now I go back to relistening to What Lies Beyond and waiting to be put out of my misery. 
> 
> (PS I know I didn't really mention Sasha in this fic - just assume she's been in the brig this whole time)

**Author's Note:**

> Second chapter is nearly finished should be up soon. This fic is total brain worm self-indulgence while I climb the walls waiting for answers about What Lies Beyond.


End file.
